The Baudelaires meet Calvin and Hobbes
by Swing123
Summary: Calvin and Hobbes, Unfortunate Events crossover. Complete!
1. the Book Transport

Calvin peeked through the window of his house.

He had just come home from school, and he feared the worse when he opened the door. Sure enough, Hobbes sat crouched down, an evil grin on his face, and his tail waving back and forth.

Calvin stood on the doorstep.

"_What to do?_"

he thought. He looked around for something to trick Hobbes with.

Nothing.

Then he came up with an idea.

He opened the door.

"I'M HOME!"

he screamed. Hobbes leaped, but Calvin was ready.

He ducked, and Hobbes went sailing over him. Calvin then, rushed up the stairs.

He laughed, then opened the door to his room.

POW!

Hobbes sent Calvin sailing back down the stairs.

Calvin didn't know how Hobbes had done that, but right now, he didn't care.

He and Hobbes went crashing down the stairs. Hobbes laughing, Calvin screaming.

When he hit the ground, his mom came up to him.

"Calvin" she said. "I am sick of you coming home all scabbed up and scratched. You have GOT to stay out of fights with that Moe Character."

"_Hopeless._" Calvin thought.

"That reminds me..." mom handed Calvin a book. "I want you to read this."

Calvin and Hobbes stared at the title; A Series of Unfortunate Events By Lemony Snicket.

Calvin stared at it. He took the book, and read the back of it. "I am sorry to report that the book you are now holding in your hands is most unpleasant."

Calvin stared back up at his mom with a "are you kidding me?" look.

But she didn't notice because she said

"enjoy" then walked away.

Hobbes stared at the book. "She expects you read this?" he asked.

Calvin frowned. "This horrible! I don't want to read this junk!"

Hobbes looked at Calvin.

"Then don't read it."

"But mom will give me some kind of quiz on what's it about."

Hobbes frowned too.

"How unfortunate. Too bad you can't just watch it, instead of read it."

Calvin's eyes popped open, and a grin spread across his face.

"Hobbes you're a genius!" he yelled.

"I already knew that."

"come on!"

Calvin raced up the stairs, and dove into his closet. He pulled out the Time Machine, and crossed out the name with a pen.

Underneath, he wrote **Book Transport**

Hobbes came up into the room.

When he saw the Book Transport machine, he gasped.

"NO WAY!" he yelled.

"Hey it was your idea!" Calvin yelled.

"THAT WAS NOT MY IDEA!" Hobbes remarked.

Calvin climbed into the machine, and slipped the book into a slot.

The machine buzzed, and beeped, then fell silent. A button marked GO shone brightly.

Calvin finally convinced Hobbes to get in. He got in, and Calvin hit GO!

BOOM!

All at once, Calvin and Hobbes weren't in his bedroom anymore.

They were in the middle of an old fashioned street.


	2. Mr Bill

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny stared out of the window of the car that Mr. Poe drove.

Sunny bit on the door handle, Klaus stared down into a book he had, and Violet had her hair tied up into a ribbon to keep it out of her eyes.

Mr. Poe coughed into a handkerchief.

"I'm sure you'll like this new relative of yours" he said. "He might just blow your socks off."

All three Baudelaires ignored him. They were to worried about the Quagmire triplets, who were captured by an evil man named Count Olaf.

Soon, they pulled into a long, bumpy drive way and came to a small trailer.

There stood a very dumb looking man.

He had torn up straw hat on, a piece of hay sticking out of his mouth, suspenders on, and stupid expression on his face.

Mr Poe got out of the car.

"Well, HOW-DEE!" he yelled.

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny stepped out.

"My name's is Mr Bill!"

The Baudelaires stared at their new guardian.

Mr Bill bent down to Sunny.

"And what's is your name, little critter?"

Sunny stared at him, and turned to Mr Poe

"sloopa!" she said. Which most likely meant "you expect us to live with THIS idiot? He can't even do his grammar right!"

Mr Bill cooed and swooped Sunny up in his arms.

"Aww, isn't she the pertiest thing you ever did saw?" he said.

Sunny attempted to escape, but Mr Bill had her in a loving embrace.

He then handed her to Klaus, who took her.

Mr Poe stared Worryingly at Mr Bill.

"Would you mind showing us your left ankle?" he asked.

"why shore!" Mr Bill raised his pant leg revealing mayonnaise colored legs. But no tattoo of an eye.

Mr Poe got back into his car, and said. "Have fun with your new guardian, Baudelaires!"

The Baudelaires stared at Mr Poe in disbelief, Just before he left.

Meanwhile, Calvin and Hobbes sat in the Book transport machine.

They stared around their surroundings.

"Where is everything?" Hobbes asked.

"Hmmm" Calvin observed. "Let's fly around a little bit, and look for..." Calvin held the book up. "Violet, Klaus, and Sunny."

Calvin hit the fly button on the machine, and they rose into the air.

Calvin steered around the many places around where the Baudelaires had been.

Count Olaf's boarded up place, Uncle Monty's mansion, the remains of Aunt Josephine's house over the lake, and other places they had been.

At last, they found the place where they were now. Mr Bill's lame excuse for a trailer.

They landed softly in the middle of Mr Bill's pathetic yard. It was pathetic because there was no grass. Only weeds. And most of those weeds were dead.

"Ok, Hobbes," Calvin whispered. "Let's investigate a little before we expose ourselves to the un-lucky..." Calvin stared at the book again. "Boodelaieres."

Hobbes took the book. "That's Bodylaires." he said.

"No," said Calvin taking the book back. "I think it's buddylaires."

"Can we discuss the name later?" Hobbes asked.

"Fine!" Calvin said. They climbed out of the Book transporter, and tiptoed around to the back of the house.

Meanwhile Mr Bill was leading the (forget those other dumb names) Baudelaires around his absurd trailer.

"And this here's is thu livin' room!" Mr Bill said pointing into room with a broken television, a beat up couch, a couple of chairs with the springs sticking out, and Coffee table with three pairs of socks on top, as well as a newspaper from 1957, a couple of coffee mugs with coffee still in them, and a dead mouse.

The kitchen was even worse.

There was a pile of dirty dishes in a sink that was stained brown, a refrigerator with food in it who's dates expired two months ago, a Table that was as big as the chairs around it, and the floor was an icky maroon colored carpet.

The bedroom had a messed up bed, a bunch of greasy walls, a picture window that had a view of a chicken coop, and a bunch of dolls.

The bathroom, however, was the worst of all toilet. that didn't have a toilet seat, a bathtub that was yellow, a sink, and a mirror covered in something gray which Klaus guessed to be Mr. Bill's snot.

"Well" Mr Bill said. "That's is thu whole house! Except fer thu room yer staying in.

Violet looked up. "Does it have any thing mechanical?" she asked.

"Yup." said Mr Bill.

"Does it have any books?" Klaus asked.

"Yup"

"moompa?" asked Sunny. Which meant "does it have any thing clean that I could bite?"

instead of saying "Yup" or "Nope" he bent down, and stroked Sunny's head.

"Awww, aren't ya the pertiest thang?"

Sunny tried to Bite Mr Bill, but he came up he before she could.

"Well," Mr Bill said. "Here ya are."

he opened a door revealing a large bedroom.

The so-called "mechanics" consisted of another broken TV, and Radio that was missing an antenna. The so-called "books" consisted of a single bookcase with books like a chicken hand manul, a how to milk a goat step-by-step book, and a book that was three inches thick which was about how to feed a horse. And the so-called "clean things to bite" consisted of a single Doll without hair, and missing a eye.

The Baudelaires walked into their room.

"If ya need anythang, I'll be watchin' TV!" Mr Bill closed the door, and walked off to stare at his broken TV.

Meanwhile, Calvin was interviewing a rooster, and Hobbes was interviewing a goat.

After about ten minutes, Calvin and Hobbes met.

"That dumb bird is no help!" Calvin said. "All he knows is that he crossed a road!"

"That dumb-bell goat was no more help." Hobbes said. "All he want's to talk about is his lost brother who's standing next to him, and his long lost grandmother, who's standing on the other side of him."

Calvin pulled the book out of his pocket. "According to this book," he said. "This Count Olaf person is finding them wherever they go. So it won't be long before he shows up, wearing a disguise."

Calvin stared suspiciously at the deranged rooster, and Hobbes stared suspiciously at the three idiot goats, Then continued their exploration.

They came upon the back door that entered Mr Bill's house.

Calvin took the doorknob and pulled.

Nothing happened.

He pulled again. The door didn't budge.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STUPID DOOR?" Calvin screamed, Pulling on the door with no luck at all.

Hobbes bent down, and examined the door.

"it seems to be sealed shut..." he stuck a finger through the tiny crack that Calvin opened.

"...bubble gum." he finished.

"BUBBLE GUM?!" Calvin screamed. Hobbes sat up.

"Lets try the front door." he said. Calvin let go of the door knob, only to find that he had just put his hands in the middle of a bubble gum covered doorknob.

Calvin pulled his hand away from the knob.

The gum just stretched out.

He tried to pull it off with his other hand.

Soon he had bubble gum all over him. While he rolled around in the dirt, screaming, Hobbes rubbed his chin and said, "this must be Mr Bill's idea of an alarm system."

Calvin finally got out of the mess, and they walked inside through the front door.

Mr Bill was staring passively into the broken TV and didn't notice Calvin and Hobbes slip by.

"_How can anyone stand having a broken television in their homes?_" Calvin thought.

The came to the Baudelaire's room, And quietly opened the door.


	3. Stupid Mr Bill

Violet looked up. Klaus looked up. Sunny looked up. Calvin stared. Hobbes stared.

There was a long moment of silence.

"Who are you?" Klaus finally asked.

"Gloop!" Sunny shrieked.

"I'm Calvin The bold! Also known as Doctor Dynasty!" Calvin yelled.

"His name's Calvin." Hobbes said.

Calvin turned a glare on Hobbes

"thanks, Hobbes, now there's no chance that they're going to worship me!"

Klaus studied the two.

"Calvin and Hobbes? You're named after 16th century Theologian who believed in predestination, Calvin."

"COOL!" Calvin yelled, and he turned to Hobbes. "Heh, heh, heh, YOUR not named after a 16th century theograpghy who believed in predestinarytion, Hobbes!!!"

"No, he's not." Klaus continued. "Hobbes is named after a 17th century philosopher with a dim view of human nature!"

Hobbes stuck his tongue out at Calvin.

"Hah." he said "I'm farther in the future than YOU are!" Calvin ignored him, grumbling to himself.

"Gopa?"Sunny asked. Which meant "what are you doing here?"

Violet translated the message to Calvin and Hobbes.

Calvin stared at the baby. "How does a baby understand anything that's going on around here?" he asked.

Violet rolled her eyes and said. "She's actually a pretty smart baby, Calvin."

Calvin stared at Violet. "How does a girl understand anything that's going on around her?" Calvin asked.

Violet glared at him. "I'm an inventor!" she snarled.

A light came on in Calvin's eyes. "Whoops! Sorry Miss. Please forgive me for my sins! Oh how I swear to fix my evil ways!"

Calvin leaned over to Hobbes and whispered. "Never insult someone that can invent a hatchet in nothing flat!"

Hobbes stared at him.

"What ARE you doing here?" Klaus asked. Just then a knock sounded on their door.

"hey ya Baudelaires! Whachya doing?!"

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged worried looks, and dove under the bed.

Klaus opened the door. Mr Bill stood there as stupid looking as ever.

"I forgot ta tell ya," he began. "Mr Toe told me about that there Count Gloatoff. He sounds like a very, bad guy!"

the Baudelairs exchanged looks. They could think of better ways to describe Count Olaf.

"Now getta a good night's is sleep! Tamorra were gonna be workin' our heads off!"

"Why?" asked Violet.

"Why," said Bill staring at her as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "We gotta ranch ta tend to!"

Calvin's eyes bulged. "_Oh great!_" he thought.

The next day was torture. Klaus had to feed all the idiot chickens.

Violet had to feed the dumb-dumb goats, Bill stood behind a horse, who ended kicking him, a Sunny had to sit in the middle of a room with broken jack-in-the-box, and a rattle.

Calvin and Hobbes soon realized what an idiot Mr Bill was, and they walked freely not caring if Bill saw them for the simple logic, that he couldn't tell the difference between THEM and the BAUDELAIRES.

One time Bill called Calvin over to him thinking that it was Klaus.

"Hey! Plaus! C'mere!"

Calvin walked over to him.

"When feeding a chicken," he said. "You must be very precise."

Bill spent the next few minutes telling Calvin where each grain of Chicken food went, depending on the size, or length.

Calvin eventually snuck away, without any effort.

Bill hadn't noticed. He continued to drone on, on where the 2X1 went.

"Gad what an idiot!" Calvin said, walking through a big bunch of chickens.

Hobbes watched, As Chickens went flying in every direction as Calvin's foot slammed right into the middle of the bunch.

There was squawking, and feathers all over the place.

Klaus came up just then, and it was his misfortune to have a chicken land in the middle of his face.

His glasses fell to the floor, and he ended up smashing them. The chicken jumped off his head, and ran off squawking his head off, and flapping his wings.

"Oh-no." Klaus said, picking up his smashed glasses.

Calvin grinned as if he was going to laugh, but Hobbes' dark glare stopped him.

"Hey supercalifagilisticexbealidoeses-laires! Guess what?"

everyone but Klaus stared at Mr Bill.

"Yer brother kla-ouch is gonna feed the horsies." Bill said leaning in to face Calvin. "Isn't dat wight you wittle bee-bee" Calvin grabbed Bill's throat, and started shaking.

When Hobbes finally separated Calvin from the deranged maniac, Mr Bill acted like nothing happened. Instead, he cooed,

"awww, isn't baby bottle-layer cute?"

Calvin lunged for Bill again, but Hobbes held him back.

Bill walked away whistling.

Did I mention Bill couldn't whistle? He couldn't. Most of the time, he was just spitting, other times he was making a kind of high pitched screech.

"What am I gonna do?" Klaus asked nearly at panic.

"You could fed the horsies your glasses!" Calvin joked.

Hobbes pushed Calvin away, and whispered into Klaus's ears.

Calvin grumbled and started kicking at the chickens again.

He thought that Hobbes was whispering an idea of how to feed the "horsies" into Klaus's ears.

Nope.

He was whispering an idea on how to fix his glasses, AND get a good prank on Calvin.


	4. Mr Oola

"We gotta visitor!" Mr Bill said excitedly, the next day.

Hobbes had fixed Klaus' glasses yesterday, (he will never tell how he did it)

then he had pounced on Calvin.

"Oh, I'm so exited! I never get any visitors!" said Mr. Bill jumping up and down.

"_I can't imagine why!_" thought Calvin sarcastically looking around the rat hole, (under the bed) where they now took refuge.

Then he remembered something.

"Hobbes" he whispered. "Hobbes, that visitor just might be Count Olaf!"

Hobbes gasped.

"Let's check." he whispered back.

The two climbed out from under the horror that most people would call the underside of a bed, then walked out of the room. They tiptoed around the house till they came to the living room.

There they hid behind the couch and saw Count Olaf. His shiny eyes showing, his one eyebrow showing, his yellow teeth showing. And his Tattoo of an eye on his ankle.

"This here's is... uh... what'id ya call yer self again?"

"Mr Oola." Count Olaf said in his wheezy voice.

"Oh yeah! This here's is Mr Oola! I'll let ya sit and talk for a while, while I get us some tea"

Mr Bill lumbered out of the room.

"You didn't even disguise yourself." Violet snapped.

"No, I didn't, did I? Well that Mr Bill is such an idiot, it wouldn't take much to fool him" Oola said.

"Mopa!" Sunny yelled which meant "what are you up to now Olaf!"

"Mopa!" Oola mocked.

Hobbes growled, and the hair on the back of his tail stood up.

Calvin Pulled Hobbes down to keep from pouncing on Oola.

Oola looked around.

"What was that?" he asked.

The Baudelaires stared worryingly at the couch where Calvin and Hobbes now hid.

Oola's eyes fell on the couch.

Oola's eyes became as shiny as ever.

"Who's behind that couch?" he asked silkily.

He got out of his chair, and started for the couch.

But then Mr Bill came waddling into the room.

"Why, hi thare!" he said. "Whachya doing?"

"There's something behind this couch." Oola said.

"Oh, It's is most likely just the rats that live in here. They sometimes take refuge under the couch."

Calvin and Hobbes' eyes bulged, as they searched the surrounding areas for mice or rats.

"Something growled." Oola Said.

"Huh." said Mr Bill "they must be mutating down there. Any way, I got us some tea."

Mr Bill handed the Baudelaires and Oola a cup of something.

The Baudelaires, who had been there long enough to realize what was in there didn't take a drink.

Oola, however, took a long drink.

Soon afterward, he spit.

"SSSS! This isn't tea!" he screamed.

Mr Bill took the cup, and looked into it.

"Huh." he said. "Must of put in vinegar by mistake."

Oola stared at Mr Bill as if he was going to slap him. But didn't.

Mr Bill walked out of the room, and returned later with another cup.

Oola tested it with his nose.

"This is gasoline" he said.

Mr. Bill grunted, and took the cup out of the room for the second time.

Mr Bill returned.

"I tested it! It is tea now." he said.

"You tested it?" Oola stared at the cup.

A ring of brown stuff around the rim of the cup proved that Mr Bill had tasted it.

Oola took the cup and poured it into a pot that contained a dead plant.

"THAT'S NOT MR OOLA!" Violet screamed suddenly.

"That's Count Olaf!" Mr Bill looked confused.

He studied Mr Oola.

"Why, don't be silly. Bottleasaurouses! Count Gloatoff doesn't hava tattoo of a eye on his ankle! And he doesn't have only one eyebrow! And he doesn't have crystal shiny eyes!"

the Baudelairs stared at Mr. Bill in disbelief.

Mr. Oola smiled. "Yes of corse! Who is this count Olaf?" he said.

"He's a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very..."

after about three hours, Bill finished.

"...very, very, very, very, very bad person!"

Oola glared at Mr. Bill.

Calvin and Hobbes were asleep behind the couch, and the Baudelairs were doing all they could to keep awake.

Mr. Bill grinned as if he had just did a long touching speech, and now everyone was going insane with applause.

"Any way Mr Oola gonna sleep with us tu-night."

Calvin and Hobbes shot up.

Stunned at what they heard.

"What?" Violet, Klaus, and Sunny said together.

"Yah, I know!" Bill said. "I'm exited too!"

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged worried glances.

The next day, Hobbes found Calvin in the so-called kitchen.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"I'm studying the stupid book." said Calvin.

Hobbes blinked. "What have you found out?"

"This orphans have two friends. One girl called Isadora Quadmire and Duncun Quidmire. They were captured by Mount Olaf, and are now in his clutches. But never mind THAT! Isadora and Duncun? What kind of heartless mother would name their kids THAT?"

Before Hobbes could answer a wheezy voice sounded behind them.

"Who are you?" Calvin and Hobbes spun around.

Oola was standing in the broken down doorway, staring at Calvin and Hobbes with his shiny, shiny eyes.

"I'm Calvin the magnificent! WORSHIP ME!" Calvin yelled.

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"We're friends of Mr Bill." he said.

Just then, Mr. Bill came into the room.

"Hi Couch." he said to Hobbes. "Hi baby bottle-bob."

Mr Bill reached into his cabinet, and pulled out a can of Vienna Sausage.

"That's your breakfast?" Calvin asked staring at the can.

"Yup." said Mr. Bill. "Been eatin' VS since I was three seconds old."

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glaces.

"What an idiot." muttered Calvin.


	5. Gone

_Swing: Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Stupid writer's block_

"Calvin for the last time! Get down here for dinner."

no response came from Calvin's room.

"Dear, will you PLEASE go get him?" asked mom.

"Young man! You get down here right this minute!" dad yelled.

No response.

Dad narrowed his eyes, and stomped up to Calvin's room.

He threw the door open.

Calvin and Hobbes weren't there.

Dad looked under the bed, in the closet, and in his empty toy chest.

(Calvin never put his toys back into the chest, so it was empty.)

Calvin was in none of those places.

"Dear! I can't find him!"

mom rolled her eyes.

"Try the bathroom." she said.

Calvin wasn't in the bathroom.

"I saw him go upstairs!" said mom. "He went into his room! I saw him!"

dad scratched his head in confusion.

"I just can't find him." he said.

Mom started to panic.

Oola stared at Calvin.

He was very suspicious of him and Hobbes.

But his gaze tore from C and H as Bill offered him some sausage.

He stared at Bill.

"I do not care for your stupid breakfast!" He hissed.

Bill shrugged, and continued with his meal.

Oola turned back to Calvin and Hobbes.

They weren't there.

Calvin and Hobbes were racing up to The Baudelaire's room.

Calvin won.

"Hi!" Calvin said bursting into the room.

Violet Shot up in bed.

Klaus rolled over onto the floor.

And Sunny jumped in surprise.

"I heard about your trouble with those two kids called... what were they called again, Hobbes?"

Hobbes walked up into the room.

"Good morning." He said.

"yeah, yeah, cut the chitter chatter! What were those kids called?"

"They were called Iadora and Duncun." said Hobbes.

At the mention of the Quidmire triplets, Calvin and Hobbes got the Baudelaires' full and undivided attention.

"Did you find anything out about their where they are?" asked Klaus.

"Nope." said Calvin. "I just heard about it."

The Baudelaires sank back into their beds in disappointment.

Just then, Oola burst into their room.

Calvin, Hobbes, and the Baudelaires spun around.

"I know that you two are up to something!" he snarled at Calvin and Hobbes. "And I'm going to find out what it is!"

Calvin and Hobbes' eyes were as wide as saucers as Oola left.

"Gad!" yelled Calvin. "What an ugly count!"

Hobbes slapped a paw over his mouth, and hissed, "ssssshhhh! He's probably still listening!"

Sure enough, Oola's eye showed in the key hole.

That eye was fixed on Calvin and Hobbes, like a cobra would fix it's eyes on a snake charmer.

"Come on, Boob-il-a-sores! There's work to do!"

yelled Bill, later that day.

Calvin groaned as Bill went into his chicken food speech.

"If ya take a two by four, and divide eleventy-eleven, ya'll get the square route of chicken saliva, divided by forty-ten, and add the letters after Z"

Oola quietly observed as Bill tossed chicken food into the chicken's deranged faces, shoved a handful of alfalfa hay into a horse's mouth, and slammed his pigs into their food tray.

Bill seemed mighty proud of himself.

Even though the roosters had nearly tore his ears off, and the horse had almost bit his arm in two, and that the half of the pig's body that was sticking out of the food nearly kicked his head like a football.

Bill marched up to Calvin and said. "little baby babble-hair, someday you'll be able to take care of these precious creatures just like your uncle Bill!"

Calvin stared at the half mad rooster, the deranged horse, and disturbed pigs.

"Man, I hope Oola kills YOU off, fast!" he said.

"dawwww!" cooed Bill. "Isn't Baby bumblebee-air CUTE?"

Before Calvin could jump Bill, Hobbes pulled him away.

Just then Calvin noticed something.

His eyes widened in fear.

He couldn't believe it.

Hobbes noticed.

"Calvin, what is it?" he asked.

Calvin turned to Hobbes, terror-stricken, and said "Oola is GONE!"


	6. The Book is GONE!

_Sorry about the short chapter. It's all I can muster right now._

"Gone?" exclaimed Hobbes.

"Yup." said Calvin.

"Should we go tell The Baudelaires?" asked Hobbes.

"yep. better." said Calvin.

Calvin and Hobbes found the Baudelaires trying to coax Bill's insane bull into the pin without killing themselves.

Calvin told them of their findings.

"We have to find him!" said Klaus. "If we don't..."

"If ya don't, that bull's gonna bulldoze you." said Calvin, calmly.

Klaus spun around in time to see the bull charging.

Klaus quickly got out of the pin, and Violet closed the gate, as fast as she could.

Calvin, Hobbes, and the Baudelaires searched Bill's pathetic excuse for a piece of property.

Oola was nowhere to be found.

They searched Bill's shack of a barn.

Nope.

They searched Bill's broken down house.

Nope.

GAD!

He was nowhere to be found!

"where'd he go?" asked a frustrated Calvin.

Nobody could answer.

Calvin and Hobbes ran off to the barnyard, and searched there for a while, while the Baudelaires searched the rest of the house.

You can probably guess their results.

Calvin was looking in bathroom when he heard something.

A kind of thump.

Calvin spun around.

"Hobbes was that you?"

No answer.

"Couch?"

no response.

"Purple?"

(Calvin's bad at remembering names.)

Calvin ventured out of the bathroom.

Hobbes and Baudelaires were no where to be seen.

"HOBBES!" Calvin called.

No answer.

By this time, Calvin was getting a little worried.

He ran outside.

"MR STUPID... I MEAN... BILL?"

No answer.

Calvin ran to the back of the place.

He was shocked when he saw that Bill's animals were all gone!

Calvin started to panic.

Then he remembered.

"MY BOOK TRANSPORT!" he screamed.

He ran around to Bill's weed-infested yard.

There sat his Book Transport machine.

Totally unharmed.

Calvin looked around.

No one was around except... YIKES!

Calvin stared in horror... it was... IT WAS COUNT OLAF'S ENTIRE THEATER GROUP!

The hook handed man, The two powdered faced women, that weirdo who you can't tell is a man or a woman, and the bald guy with the long nose!

And yes! In the middle of the group was... COUNT OLAF HIMSELF!

They were all slouching for Calvin. Wide evil grins on their faces.

"AAAAAA!" screamed Calvin.

He hit the fly button, but... nothing happened.

Calvin hit the button constantly. But the Book Transport didn't move.

Calvin's eyes rolled upward.

Count Olaf stood right above him.

Holding the Series of Unfortunate Events book in his hands.

Calvin gasped.

"THE BOOK!" he yelled.

"Looking for this?" Cackled Olaf.

Then he burst out with a insane laugh.

Calvin gulped.

His goose appeared to cooked.

_Swing123: It stinks, I know! stupid writer's block! The next chapter will be better, don't worry. Please review!_


	7. The Insane Kid Gets Mad at Olaf

"That's just an ordinary book." Said Calvin, simply.

"Oh, really?" Said Calvin, innocently.

"journalists?" Asked one of the white faced women.

"Call it what you want." Said Calvin, still playing for time.

"Why is it, that this book is authored by a Mr Snicket?" snarled Olaf.

"That's my nickname." said Calvin, quickly.

"How is it that you know what has happened before you actually appeared?" said Olaf.

"OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" screamed Calvin, throwing his arms into the air, "I DIDN'T WRITE THE STUPID BOOK! I HAVEN'T EVEN READ IT! THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE IS BECAUSE MOM WANTED ME TO READ IT, AND I DIDN'T WANT TO READ IT, SO I INVENTED THIS MACHINE, TOOK HOBBES WITH ME, **AND I'M JUST THE DARN KID STANDING BY, AND WATCHING THE STUPID BOOK, SO I'LL KNOW WHAT TO SAY WHEN MY MOM QUIZZES ME ON IT!**"

Calvin finally inhaled, and gave the shocked Olaf and his group an icy glare.

Calvin then blurted out, "AND I SUGGEST TO YOU, MY LITTLE BALD FRIEND, THAT YOU RELINQUISH HOBBES AND GIVE ME BACK THAT STUPID BOOK, THAT OUGHT TO BE BURIED AND NEVER LOOKED AT AGAIN!"

Olaf leaned over to the person who didn't look like a man or a woman and said. "this kid has hyperactive emotions. Quickly gag him, but don't make him angry."

The man-lady instantly leaped into Calvin, and attempted to gag him.

Calvin put up a good fight.

He bit, kicked, punched, and clawed (he hadn't clipped his fingernails in a week) at the fat whatsit.

But at last, Calvin was fought down, and taken to Olaf. Who said, "If you are a journalist as you say, you will..."

Calvin spat the hanky out of his mouth and shrieked, "I'M NOT A JOURNALIST YOU GRAVY BRAIN!"

Olaf's eyes seemed roll into the back of his head.

"That's... just... great. Now I'm going to take you back to your uncle and..."

"HE'S NOT MY UNCLE! THAT STUPID IDIOT WHO CALLS HIMSELF A FARMER OUGHT TO BE SHOVED DOWN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT! THAT BRAINLESS IDIOT WOULDN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BECAUSE . . . "

"THROW HIM IN THE CAR AND SHUT HIM UP!" screamed Olaf, holding his ears.

The incredible man lady threw Calvin in the trunk of their car as he screamed, "AND FURTHER MORE, YOUR MOTHER HAD _TWO_ EYE BROWS! SO THERE!"

The Bald man with the long nose quickly slammed the trunk shut.

"Why don't we set the car off a cliff?" suggested the hook handed man, staring at the trunk that had a hysterical screech coming out of it.

"No." Said Olaf. "We'll take him to his buddies. Then he will know the end of _his_ story!"

"And the book?" asked the bald man.

"We'll burn it." Said Olaf. "In front of him, so he can see."

The crew laughed and got into the car.

* * *

On the way, the hook handed man, two white-faced women, and the man lady, who were all in the back seat, were all starting to go deaf.

"Can we switch seats?" Shouted the hook handed man over all the screams and protests coming out of the trunk behind him.

"Deal with it." Said Olaf.

Just then, the seat lurched forward, and one of the white-faced women went crashing into the back of the seat.

"HEY!" she screeched. "He's kicking now! Olaf!"

"We're almost there." Sighed Olaf.

Calvin threw another kick at the hook handed hand.

His seatbelt snapped, and he crashed into the back of the front seat.

At last Calvin stopped screaming and kicking.

The crew thought that Calvin had finally accepted his fate.

HA!

Did they think that Calvin was just going to _sit there_ like a nice little boy, while they locked him up, and threw away the key?

No sir-ee!

Calvin grabbed a bottle of ketchup, and squirted it all over his arms, face, and legs.

He then took a knife, and made a small hole in the back of the trunk that looked like a bullet hole.

Then, he blew up a paper bag, and popped it.

POW!

"AIIEEEE! I'VE BEEN SHOT!" Screamed Calvin.

The car screeched to a stop.

Calvin muffled his insane laughs, as he pretended to be dead.

Calvin heard Olaf say, "my trunk!"

then he opened the trunk up,

"OH NO!" yelled the bald man. "He _bled_ all over the car! My good shirt was in there!"

"Oh, get over it!" said Olaf. "Who's going to get him into a sack?"

"Not me!" Said the two white-faced women.

"I'm not touching him!" said the bald man.

Calvin leaped up.

"I've never been so insulted in all my life!" he screamed. "You should be bending over backwards just to touch me!"

The crew screamed.

"AAA! IT'S THE CURSE OF THE DEAD KID!"

They all ran away screaming.

"MORONS!" Calvin screamed. "ARE YOU BLIND! THE KETCHUP BOTTLE WAS RIGHT OVER THERE IN PLAIN SIGHT! BOZOS!"

Olaf stared at Calvin in terror.

Calvin grabbed a handful of ketchup, and shoved it into his mouth.

"IT'S KETCHUP YOU IDIOT!" Olaf's eyes glazed over, and he bent over ready to throw up.

"Gloat off? Do me a favor! When you throw up, don't eat it, again! Bozo!"

Calvin then walked off, dusting the ketchup off himself.

Calvin grabbed the Unfortunate Events book, and stormed all the way back to Bill's little shelter.

* * *

Calvin walked over to Bill's barn. There he saw that the door was warped at the bottom.

Anything could get in.

"That idiot has to fix this door!" He said.

He then spotted a note on the barn door. Calvin read it.

Dear Bill

Hi. It's me, Bill! This door's gonna has to be fixed someday. Them coons are always breaking in! Hmmm. Oh well, I'll get a little trap ready for the varmints! I'll fix them all right!

Love Bill.

"Of corse!" screamed Calvin, throwing his arms in the air. "Ignore the door, and fix the racoon! Genius!"

Calvin then complained his way back to the Book Transport.

Calvin climbed into it, slipped the book into the machine, and watched the machine start.

"GET OVER HERE HOBBES!"

No reply.

"Oh yeah, the barf eater has you. I guess your expecting me to save you now, right?"

No reply.

"Yeah, well, you'll owe me!"

Calvin hit the start button, and flew off in search of his . . . ahem . . . "friends."


	8. Isadora and Duncan

_Just so you know, I started this fic before I had finished the ASOUE series. I see this, really, as a book the five and a half. It, really, took place after the Austere Academy. Just thought you might want to know._

Calvin flew past Bill's shack that he called a house, and zoomed up the gravel drive.

Calvin didn't bother looking both ways before turning on the country road.

Calvin flew over Olaf's car, where he was still trying to get over the shock that a six-year old had shoved a handful of ketchup into his face.

Calvin made a U-turn on the road, and headed for Olaf's house.

"Yes, I know Hobbes is there, you stupid reader!" Spat Calvin. "No, I have no idea where the idiot Baudelaires are, now stop asking absurd questions, and go soak your head!"

Calvin parked the box, got out, and kicked the door over.

"Where are ya?"

At first, nothing, but then, a faint cry .

"HELP! HELP!"

Calvin looked around.

"Hobbes? Where are you?"

"HELP! HELP!"

"That's good, keep screaming. I'll follow the sound."

"HELP!"

Calvin walked through the house, till he came to the living room.

"ONE MORE TIME!" He called.

"HELP!"

HUH?

Do you know where Hobbes was?

In a cage?

No.

He was hiding under the carpet, with his long tiger tail sticking out!

Calvin sighed. "At last! I've found you! You can come out now."

"HELP!"

Calvin kicked Hobbes' tiger behind.

"Get up! I've found you."

Hobbes peeked out from under the rug.

"Where's the Baudelaires?" Asked Hobbes.

"I thought they were with you." Replied Calvin.

"Wait, don't tell me." Said Calvin.

He pointed upward. Into the tower room.

"Of corse." Said Hobbes.

Calvin and Hobbes walked up the stairs.

At last, they came to the tower room door.

"Ok, Hobbes." Said Calvin. "You go in, I'll wait here and, uh, guard the rear."

"No, you go in!" Hobbes said. "I'll guard the rear!"

"Get in there, you lazy cat!" Spat Calvin.

"You go!" Said Hobbes.

"You go!" snarled Calvin.

"You go!"

"You go!"

"You go!"

"You go!"

"You go!"

"Hugo."

(MUCH LATER...)

"You go!" Calvin gasped.

"You go!" Hobbes breathed.

"You go!" Calvin sighed.

"I go!" Said Hobbes.

"Hobbes! I am sick of this!" Calvin said.

"I'm still going." Said Hobbes.

"No, your not!" Said Calvin.

"If you think YOUR going into that room filled with creepy crawlies, then you're badly mistaken! Move over!"

"NO!" Faked Hobbes. "**_I_** MUST GO!"

"MOVE OVER!" Calvin screamed.

Hobbes quietly moved aside as Calvin grabbed the doorknob and flung it open.

There was a moment of silence in which Calvin thought about the conversation he had just had with Hobbes.

Calvin felt like an idiot as he said, "YOU HEARD ME, YOU STUPID TIGER! GET IN THERE!"

Then, Calvin and Hobbes heard another voice.

"Hello? Is anybody there?"

Calvin didn't recognize that voice as one of the Baudelaires.

This person had a kind of high girlish voice.

"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE!" Calvin screamed into the Quagmire twins'... Um...Triplets'... whatever they were's faces. "I'M SUPPOSED TO BE SAVING THE GOOGLE-LAYER'S AND THEIR FEEBLE-MINDED UNCLE AND FARM ANI MALS!"

"You know the Baudelaires?" Asked the Boy.

"To a point." Said Hobbes. "Why?"

"I'LL TELL YOU WHY!" Calvin interrupted. "THESE PEOPLE ARE NOSY IMBECILES, WHO WANDERED INTO A CAGE! MORONS!"

"NO!" Yelled the girl. "We're friends of the Baudelaires!"

"Fascinating." Said Calvin, his attention wandering.

"Let me guess your names." Said Hobbes. "Isadora and Duncan?"

Isadora and Duncan stared at them.

"You know?" Asked Duncan. "Did The Baudelaires tell you?"

"Uh, yeah, they did." Said Hobbes, not wanting to get into a conversation about Calvin's book assignment.

"We have to tell the Baudelaires something important." Said Isadora.

"Yeah, I heard." Said Calvin. "It was..."

Calvin stopped.

"WHAT IS IT!" Screamed the nosy Calvin.

"Something about Very Funky Dinner-plates, wasn't it?" Asked Hobbes.

"VFD." Said Duncan, growing impatient.

"Voodoo Family Drool?" Asked Calvin.

"No." Said Isadora.

"Vegetable Fake Day?" Suggested Hobbes.

"No, it means..."

But Calvin cut him off.

"Vivid Following Ding-dongs?"

Isadora and Duncan didn't even bother to answer as Calvin and Hobbes continued taking random words from their monstrously large vocabulary

"Vernacular Fetch Direction?"

"Very Freakish Decade!"

"Vloom Fee-fee Daddy!"

At last Calvin threw his hands into the air, and screamed, "I GIVE UP! THIS IS THE MOST BORING-EST GAME IN THE UNIVERSE! Come on Hobbes, lets go Vex Far-off of Depart! AAA! I mean, let's go _get out of here_! Save me, I'm becoming a VFD maniac!"

While Calvin ran around in circles, screaming, Hobbes let Isadora and Duncan out of the cage.

"Now, how 'bout _all_ of us go and search for the Baudelaires." Said Hobbes.

"Agreed." Said Duncan, as Calvin bolted past them, still screaming.

* * *

Outside, Isadora stared at Calvin's box.

"How is this going to help us?" She asked.

"Shut up, and get in!" Calvin spat.

"Never underestimate the power of the box." Hobbes whispered.

Isadora and Duncan exchanged glances, then got into the box.

But then...something very bad happened.


	9. Captured

Here's what happened.

Calvin had turned his head to the Quadmires to tell them to sit down, and shut up, but when they got in, Calvin had hit the wrong button.

Dust surrounded the box, as Calvin complained about how much he hated tomato soup, and Hobbes daydreamed about tuna.

But then, an unexpected ZAP! Sounded, and Calvin, Hobbes, Isadora, and Duncan found themselves flying through the dimension between books and the real world.

"WHAT'S HAPPENING!" Screamed Duncan.

"I have no idea!" Spat Calvin, grumpily. "Why don't you jump out of the machine, and check?"

The Book Transport then crash landed in Calvin's back yard.

"That's not good." Said Hobbes.

"Great." Calvin muttered. "Just what we need."

Calvin spun around to the Quagmires... Whatever they were called.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Calvin accused.

Just then, Mom burst out the front door.

"CALVIN!" She called. She hadn't seen him yet.

Calvin turned the machine back on, and ZAP, they were gone.

Calvin, Hobbes and the Guadmires then landed in a huge mountain range with a blue scaled dragon, a tall man, and another man staring at him.

"We landed in Erogon." Said Hobbes.

"Let's try again." Said Calvin hitting another button.

ZAP!

They were gone.

This time, they landed in a huge battle field with monsters, and humans killing each other.

"This is Lord of the Rings." Hobbes said, ducking.

Calvin hit another button.

ZAP!

Now they were in a prehistoric forest with a Velociraptor about to jump onto them.

"YIKES!" Hobbes shrieked. "This is Jurassic Park!"

ZAP!

Now they were in a swamp with two teenage boys staring at them.

"Hardy Boys." Sighed Hobbes.

ZAP!

"Nancy Drew."

ZAP!

"Matilda."

ZAP!

"Harry Potter."

ZAP!

"How do you know of all these books?" Ducan asked, still slightly shocked that he was in a flying box.

"I do a lot of book reports for him." Said Hobbes. "This is Hank the Cowdog, Calvin."

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

But just as Calvin was about to enter the Treasure Island book, DUNCAN FELL OUT OF THE BOOK TRANSPORT!

Calvin screeched to a halt. Duncan fell deeper into the book portal.

"Whoops." Said Calvin.

Calvin aimed downward, and zoomed after Duncan.

Just then, he disappeared into a book.

Isadora screamed.

"Oh, be quiet!" Calvin spat.

Calvin stuck his head into Oliver Twist.

"Have you seen a stupid looking kid with black hair going into his eye?" Calvin asked a character.

The character shook his head, and continued to stare at Calvin's head that seemed suspended in mid air.

Calvin pulled his head back into the tunnel, and then stuck it into 2,000 leagues Under the Sea.

After about a second, he ripped his sopping wet head out the book, spit water into the tunnel, and said, "Dumb book."

Calvin spent the next few minutes sticking his head into books and asking them if they'd seen Duncan.

At last, they found him in Frankenstein, and finally found their way back to Series of Unfortunate Events book.

"Ok." Said Calvin. "We are now back in Lemony Snicket's blah blah blah blah!"

Calvin and Hobbes then flew around the area looking for The Baudelaires and their idiot uncle.

They landed at Aunt Josiphine's house at the lake.

They saw the Baudelaires huddled in a corner.

Klaus rushed up, "Olaf grabbed us in a net and dropped us..."

"Blah, blah, blah! That's all I ever hear out of you! Get in the box!"

Klaus, looking slightly repulsed got into the box along with Violet and Sunny.

Just then, Olaf jumped in front of the box, and threw a gigantic net at the box.

Calvin screamed, and attempted to get away, but the amazing man-lady jumped up, and took hold of the net.

The box engine screamed against the hold of the net.

Calvin pushed the button marked big explosion and cloud of smoke.

The engines kicked in, and started pushing the box at full speed.

However, it was already weighed down with seven people in it, (that was a big box.) And it couldn't take it.

The engine burned out, and collapsed to the ground.

"That's not good." Hobbes said.

Olaf laughed, as his other troops came into view.

"Make sure they're never found!" Olaf said to Man-lady. "Except for Violet. The key to my new fortune."

Man-lady grabbed Violet's arm, and pushed her over to Olaf, who laughed.

Man-lady then threw the net over his shoulders, and drug the box off.

"Calvin, now would be a good time for a plan." Hobbes said.

Calvin didn't answer. He was staring off into space.

"What's he doing?" Klaus asked.

"I have a hunch." Hobbes said. "I just hoped I'm wrong."

Just then Calvin muttered, "The amazing STUPENDOUS MAN is being carried off by the evil man/woman crossover! Our hero hatches a brilliant plan!"

"See?" Hobbes said. "We're all doomed."


	10. And so

LATMC: Yes, I have read Erogon. It's quite the book, isn't it? Hope to see more of your story soon!

_Swing123: This is the ending to this story, where Calvin and Hobbes save the day. So enjoy!

* * *

_

Calvin reached into his pocket.

"Ok, here, Mr Inventor" Calvin said. "Invent something."

Calvin handed Klaus three rubber bands, a chewed piece of gum, and a dime.

"That wasn't me." Klaus said. "That was Violet."

"Figures." Calvin said.

Calvin faded back into Stupendous Man mode.

_Stupendous man must now save his bumbling sidekicks from their unwitting doom. _

Calvin held a rubber band over Man-woman's back.

SNAP!

The whatsit grunted in pain, and put the bag down.

"STUPENDOUS MAN SPRINGS INTO ACTION!"

Calvin jumped from the net.

"Fear me!" Calvin ordered. "FEAR MY MIGHTY FIST!"

Man/woman/whatever stared at Calvin.

Then approached him.

Calvin's grin faded a little.

"Ask yourself this one question." He said. "Do you feel lucky?"

Calvin yanked two machine guns from his pocket!

"I DO!"

The whatever yelled in alarm, and shot off.

Calvin pulled the triggers.

Little messages saying "bang" Popped out.

Calvin threw the toys away.

"How did you fit those in your pocket?" Hobbes asked.

"SILENCE FOOL!" Calvin screamed. "NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWERS OF STUPENDOUS MAN!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

As it had turned out, Bill had stuffed all his animals into the barn, then buried himself to commune with nature, as he called it.

When Calvin had given Bill a tongue lashing on it, Bill had told Calvin how cute baby bottle-asaurus was.

"Well, ok." Calvin said, a little later. "Time to save Big, tall, and unlucky."

Hobbes started up the Book Transport.

"Ah." Hobbes said. "They're heading for an airport. We have about 15 minutes to get there, before all of you doomed."

"GET IN!" Calvin screamed.

Klaus, Sunny, Duncan, and Isadora got into the box.

"Ok!" Calvin said, slipping on his vortex goggles. "We're about to depart for airport. approximate speed: 100 miles per second!"

Klaus, Sunny, Hobbes, Isadora and Duncan slipped on vortex goggles too.

"I will now push several of these colorful blinking lights and switches. Please hold on to something sturdy. the first one to reach the airport wins the grand prize of a 15 year old girl... And some professional help."

Calvin hit several of the buttons on the Book Transport.

BOOM!

They vanished in a blast of fire and smoke.

Over the roaring wind, Calvin screamed.

"IF YOU'LL LOOK TO YOUR RIGHT, YOU'LL SEE A BUNCH OF STUFF ZOOMING BY AT LARGE AMOUNTS OF SPEED. HOW CAN SOMETHING MOVE SO FAST? WHO CAN TELL?"

Calvin zoomed across the state for couple of minutes, then finally reach the...

"This is the wrong airport, Calvin." Hobbes said.

"I knew that." Calvin said, matter-of-factly.

Calvin hit the GO button, and they bolted off again.

This time they got to the right place.

"if you'll look to you left, you'll see a plane about to take off for New Jersey." Calvin said. "And if you look to your right, you'll see a black car zooming towards it at a high rate of speed. Please jump out of the box, and dramatically defeat him."

The car roared to a stop, and Olaf jumped out.

"Halt, Fiend!" Calvin screamed jumping out of the box. "Relinquish the unlucky person to her equally unlucky siblings."

Olaf looked shocked that Calvin and Hobbes had escaped the whatever, but the shock wore off quickly.

"Get him!" Olaf screamed. The hook handed man dove for Calvin.

"You've go to be kidding me." Hobbes said, grabbing the two hooks, and flinging him to the ground.

The bald man attacked Calvin.

"Hey look at that!" Calvin said.

"I'm not falling for that." The bald man said.

"No I'm not kidding, something's actually going to attack you."

"Nice tr..."

At that moment the hook handed man collapsed on the bald man.

"See? Told ya."

Next the two powered white faced women attacked Calvin and Hobbes, at the same time.

"hey look." Calvin said.

In a moment of confusion on whither Calvin was telling the truth or not, the two women looked behind their shoulders.

When there was nobody there, Hobbes tackled them to the ground.

"Ok, enough with that junk." Calvin turned to Olaf. "Time for the Big cheese!"

Hobbes hit the switch blade in his paws, and his claws shot out.

Calvin narrowed his eyes to slits, and clenched his fists.

Olaf backed up, a bit.

"Get back!" He shouted.

"If we did that, we'd wipe out an action scene." Hobbes pointed out.

"Good point." Olaf considered.

Hobbes pounced on Olaf, and Calvin opened the door to Olaf's car.

"Let me point out now, that I'm only doing this because I don't have anything better to do right now."

Violet glared at Calvin, and tried to say something, but she was tied up and gagged.

"Yeah, that's how I feel." Calvin said, ripping the gag out of her mouth.

"GET AWAY!" Olaf screamed fighting Hobbes off.

Calvin took his sweet time untiing Violet, which really irritated her.

"Would you hurry up?" She asked, desperately.

"56 bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs on the wall." Calvin sang. "56 bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs!"

"CALVIN HURRY UP!" Hobbes screamed, as Olaf started to overpower him.

"Oh, alright!" Calvin yelled.

He untied Violet.

By this time, Olaf had completely overpowered Hobbes, and was slouching for the car.

"Get away from her!" He screamed.

Calvin ignored her.

"Now get into the stupid machine!" He clashed at her.

Everybody got into the box.

But just as the box was about to take off, Calvin realized that somebody was missing.

"HEAD COUNT!" Calvin screamed.

Calvin counted the people in the box.

"We're two short." Calvin said.

"ISADORA AND DUNCAN" Everyone yelled.

It was then that they saw Olaf wave farewell, then enter the airplane... with Isadora and Duncan by his side.

"Mr Toe called me." Bill said, later that day. "He wants ya ta go ta another place."

"Bill your talking to the furnace." Hobbes said. "we're over her."

Bill patted the furnace, and told of how cute baby Gloob-alair was.

"well," Hobbes said. "It's been a blast.

"Thank you for saving me from Olaf." Violet said.

Calvin grunted.

"soapa" Sunny said. Translation: "I hope to see you soon."

Calvin grunted again.

Hobbes shook Klaus' hand.

"goodbye. I wish you luck with Olaf."

Klaus nodded, and smiled weakly...

Calvin grunted again.

"Goodbye." Violet said.

"Can we go now?" Calvin asked.

"Mr in charge requires that we leave now."

The Baudelaires nodded.

"Goodbye." They all said.

Calvin hit the shining GO button, and they vanished.

ZAP!

* * *

Calvin and Hobbes reappeared in Calvin's backyard.

"Well, that was certainly fun." Calvin said. "I've never been so bored in my life! How on Earth do people who sell stuff like that make money?"

Hobbes rolled his eyes and sighed.

"CALVIN! THERE YOU ARE!" Calvin rolled his eyes around, and saw Mom approaching him, in a long trot.

"where have you been!"

Calvin gave Mom a blank stare.

"Reading." He said, finally. "I finished the book."

Mom raised her eyebrows.

"really?" She said. "Then I'd like to see a book report on it."

Calvin grinned.

"Sure thing! I'll have it done by tonight.

That night, Calvin handed Mom a report.

My report

By Calvin

September 5, 2005

Some guy named Bill adopted The Bottle-layers, and SPACEMAN SPIFF ESCAPES THE ALIENS! then Oalf steals them, and the we save them twice in a row, and he gets the Quack-mires again. YOU CAN NOT DEFEAT STUPENDOUS MAN! And so ends my TRACER BULLET TACKLES THE MORON TO THE GROUND! report of the Series of blah blah blah.

The End

Calvin lost a week of TV.

And yet, that night at bedtime, Calvin felt glad he had gone into the book called "A Series of Unfortunate Events".

**The End**

"What kind of heatless mother calls her kid Lemony Snicket? I mean really! 'oh Lemony? Could you take out the trash?' This ranks right up there with the bounty hunter on TV called Dog!"


End file.
